I confess:
I'm Depressed as hell!
I hate getting up in the mornings.
I nap for like 2 hours a day.
My house is a wreck.
I haven't done Ken's hair since Tuesday.
I'm not even sure if she's showered?????
I mope around all day, feeling sorry for myself and I can't get out of it!
Why???? Cuz life sucks, It throws curve balls at ya that hit ya right in the HEART.
On May 31st I counted "the days" on my calender, yup sure enough I was "late".
ON June 1st after a very bizarre dream about Grandpa Gus (who passed away 3 years ago, and who I loved and adored as if he was my own dad,) I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!
I was ecstatic, I've waited almost 5 years to get pregnant, trying drugs, ,positions, home remedies, herbal treatments and tonz and tonz of prayers.
For months, I've been miserable, my boobs hurt, my head hurt, I was tired, and nauseous. My favorite foods disgusted me, and foods I hated were delicious, my emotions were crazed, up and down crying then laughing, And I loved all of it! I wanted this so bad! And I wasn't going to complain, cuz I had waited so long to have it.
And then I started to feel better, a whole week. without the yucky symptoms and I loved this too! Finally I was starting to feel better.
My doctors appt. was on a Friday. I was so excited to call my mom Friday afternoon and tell her, but it never happened.
It was the worst Dr.'s visit I ever had, not only did I get violated (pap smear) But the ultra sound showed everything .....except a heart beat.
I was crushed. I didn't want to believe it. I tried so hard not to cry. But it came in buckets.
I chose to misscarry naturally (mostly cuz now that I wasn't prego, I would have no insurance.)
I waited two and half weeks before anything started happening, and it was horrible, a lot worse than my first loss, probably cuz I was much further along.
And now I'm ok with it. I'm not mad @ God. I feel at peace. BUT man I'm in the slumps and I'm having a hard time getting out of them.
I am so BLESSED with the two bestest kids in the world!! They're cute, they're well mannered, they're smart, they're talented and I love them!
Now if I can only be happy around them.
Wow, what a confession huh?
Oh man! I want to hug you!! Seriously, I am so sorry! I don't think there is much worse than a miscarriage. And it seems that unless you've gone through it, you can't completely understand.
ReplyDeleteLet yourself be sad, be in a funk. It is a grieving process. I've got my two boys, but I still get sad about the others, you know? Know that you're in my thought and prayers and that it will be alright. Maybe not tomorrow, but you'll be okay.
*HUG!!*
:( This makes me sad too. If Ken's hair isn't getting done, well, that might be something to worry about ;O Especially since school is starting soon. The teachers will definatley start planning meals for your family. I love you and miss you tons. Come up and see me soon!
ReplyDeleteOh man Jaymi...I'm so sorry. How devestating. You sure sound like you have a great attitude about it. I'm so sorry you're going through hard times right now. I can really relate.
ReplyDeleteThose are some beautiful kids you got. :) Hope you feel better soon and are able to more fully enjoy your very blessed life. :) {HUGS}
I am so so sorry.
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